Soft Tissue My Butt

Getting things back to normal around here has been my priority lately.  I spent the past couple of days cutting out the grocery coupons that piled up during tax season.  The fact that I often have to pay full price for things when I’m working full-time is just another of those pesky costs of working.

Another thing I’ve been busy doing is restocking the cupboards and cabinets.  The supply of toilet paper was getting dangerously low.  My excitement was a little over-the-top when I looked through the Sunday ads and saw that this was the week CVS had Scott paper products on sale–Scott towels and Scott toilet paper.  “I’m so pumped,” I yelled.  “This makes my day!”  Big Daddy and Middle Son J just kind of looked at each other like they often do when I speak.  They just don’t understand.

Anyways, my heart started beating even faster when I remembered cutting out some coupons for Scott toilet paper.  This could be one of those savings home runs!  I haven’t avoided the 40-hour-a-week rat race all these years sitting on my laurels, you know.

I dug up my CVS card, grabbed my wallet, and scooped up my paper products coupons.  Then I noticed that every single Scott toilet paper coupon I had was for their crappy Extra Soft tissue.  If  I wanted soft toilet paper, I wouldn’t be buying Scott.  They’re the master of real toilet paper.  That’s how they made their fortune.  Strong.  Durable.  Unscented.  Some things are just better when they’re a little rough and hard.  ; )

Manly blue-wrapped butt paper

I live in a house full of guys.  They don’t want that soft perfumey crap.  For those that prefer to pamper their butts, there are a huge variety of toilet papers out there to choose from.  And you know what?  Most of them do it better.  I’ve bought the Extra-Soft Scott.  It leaves behind a Hansel-and-Gretel white trail of crumbs, moreso than say Charmin or Cottonelle.  Even worse, they try to sell you the extra large extra soft rolls so that you have to use an enclosed adapter so that the roll will fit on your toilet paper holder.

Purple-is-for-girls wrapper

Guess what, Kimberly-Clark?  If you have to endlessly entice consumers to buy your extra-soft tissue with coupons, maybe they don’t like that product.  Save us all some money, drop the extra-soft garbage, and lower the price on your good-ol’ standard toilet paper.  Even with the coupons on the extra-soft, people still buy the rough and ready variety.  When there’s a good sale, I’m sometimes forced to buy the soft stuff because the other is sold out!  Rethink your strategy, KC.  America’s butts are counting on you.

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12 Responses to “Soft Tissue My Butt”


  1. 1 paula April 26, 2010 at 12:53 am

    LOL. This is serious business. I once had a little one yell from the bathroom that “It looks like I’ll have to use the whole roll!” So I feel your pain. Found your coupon “sweet spot” http://www.scottbrand.com/community/savings/scott/ You should forward a copy of this blog post to their comments section.

  2. 3 Consuella Banana Hammock April 26, 2010 at 10:10 am

    this totally cracked me up. a hansel and gretel like trail. so funny. i guess i haven’t put near as much thought into toilet paper as you have. i feel like this is a grave error on my part. i must research my ass products much more closely. thank you for this kick in the ass. may my wipes be better from now on out!

    • 4 les April 26, 2010 at 10:23 am

      haha. You must put more thought into this very important issue, Consuella. It comes up several times a day, every single day!

  3. 5 Dawn April 26, 2010 at 10:30 am

    I’ve not noticed the affects of soft tissue leaving a trail. Micro economics has taken on a whole new meaning for me today here Les.

    Damn, I missed so many lessons!

    • 6 les April 26, 2010 at 11:03 am

      You must be using the right soft tissue, Dawn. The little bears on the commercial don’t like the trail, and neither do my guys. They complain every time I bring the soft stuff home.

  4. 7 robinaltman April 26, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    I hate those stupid soft tissue brands! You need twelve rolls per bowel movement! Plus, we have a septic system and the only tissue that won’t destroy it is good old Scott hard and bristly.

  5. 9 Cyndi April 26, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    This cracked me up!! I was expecting your triumphant return to the blogging world to be about politics or the IRS…toilet paper??!!! I’m seriously laughing out loud. And I like some things rough but not my TP. Welcome back!! 🙂

    • 10 les April 26, 2010 at 7:32 pm

      Honestly, Cyndi, I had some very serious political and social issues on my mind. I even got into another Facebook discussion (although a more respectful one all around). But the toilet paper issue won out.

  6. 11 Chris May 2, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Is that the TP with the recycled-like texture? It disintegrates as you wipe. You might as well just wipe with your bare hands and wash really good afterwards.

  7. 12 les May 2, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Yes. Gross, huh?


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