A Dirty Revelation

It’s amazing that even the simplest of games or the silliest of interactions can bring to light some new insight.  Being a hermit may lead to introspection, but doing silly things with friends can be a learning experience too.  Yesterday some truly awesome women and I decided to engage our inner teen and play this game:  Pick 5 celebrities you’d “do” it with if you had a free pass.  (Yeah, we can dream, can’t we?).  They, not being psychotic like Mama, were able to rattle off a quick 5 each.  This was really hard for me.  And it’s not because I’m some frozen saint.

First of all, I think most celebrities are jerks.  And no matter how cute someone is, I don’t want to be with a jerk.  Especially not in that way.  Maybe I just lack imagination.  But then I thought about it.  I do like rocker dudes.  But then I thought about all the diseases they might have (but I guess Tiger Woods could be right up there with them)!  I thought about some of the musicians I liked and thought were kind of hot–but then I thought about rumors I’d heard that they didn’t bathe, or brush their teeth, or smelled bad.  Ugh!  I just couldn’t get past that and put them on my list.

Later that night, marveling over my Oldest Son’s adventurous spirit (he has volunteered to be deployed to Haiti soon), I started wondering why I didn’t have his wanderlust spirit.  I have no big desire to travel abroad, and although I love the ocean, I am content to hang around my own pool all summer.  Why am I so different from the son who is so like me in many other ways?  My mind tossed and turned as I lie in bed mulling these questions–and I came up with a startling possibility:  I’m a germ-a-phobe!  A female Howie Mandel!  A real-life Monk–although not quite so extreme.

I know part of the reason I don’t want to travel to some exotic foreign country is that I’m not sure if they’re required to have the same hygiene laws in their restaurants.  And I love to eat.  And I’m also aware that even the restaurants I go to around here may not necessarily follow the laws to the letter.  But I allow myself to pretend.  Then there’s the matter of the hotel rooms.  It’s not that I won’t stay in one.  But I’m very leery of what’s hidden in those carpets, and I’m well aware of what’s festering on that bedspread.  You probably heard about that study that showed all the bodily fluids sitting on those hotel bedspreads.  Yep, every one you can think of!!! They may wash the towels and sheets after each guest, but not those bulky comforters.  And a couple of years ago, they had this expose on our local news showing how some hotel maids clean those glasses and coffee pots they leave in your room.  I gagged through the whole segment as they wiped these things out with the same rag they just cleaned the bathroom with.  Blech!!

One would think my own home would be as clean and sterile as an operating room.  Not even close!!  But it’s my own dirt (and my own family’s) and I can deal with it, no problem.  As a matter of fact, just last week, my loving mother stopped over and felt the need to run her finger through the dust on my living room table and say, “You need to dust”.  Duh!  Did she think I hadn’t noticed?  I told her she was welcome to do it if she wanted, and for a brief instant I saw a look pass over her face that maybe she shouldn’t have stated the obvious.  But she can’t help herself! She’ll do it again.   Just like I’ll keep pulling down those hotel bedspreads, and washing out those complimentary coffee pots myself, and missing out on some great imaginary dates with hot celebrities.

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18 Responses to “A Dirty Revelation”


  1. 1 Cyndi January 26, 2010 at 10:49 am

    That is hilarious! Who knew you were so Monk-like?? 🙂

    These details about hotels….I know them too. I deny them because my desire to travel far exceeds my fear of or disgust over the sanitation issues. I also deny my celebrity crushes’ real issues because fantasizing about actually encountering anyone on my list is so much more fun!

    Your son is going to Haiti?! That’s amazing. You must be so proud.

    • 2 les January 26, 2010 at 10:56 am

      Really. I need to learn to whitewash my fantasies. Yep, and Oldest Son is going to Haiti. I am proud. But the thought did creep into my head that he may be 40 before he finishes college.

  2. 3 Dawn January 26, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    It’s germs that keep me out of the dating pool I think. That or flashbacks. When I stay in hotels I go through the place with similar realizations. Most of what is on the comforter is organic I say to myself, as I peel the thing back holding onto the edges.

    Congratulations on Oldest Son and his mission. I’m just guessing his immunity is might powerful, similar to his passion for life.

  3. 5 Chris January 26, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    The dysentery’s just part of the experience. =P

  4. 7 John J Sweeney January 26, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Haiti! We may see him there. Not sure when, but we’ll be headed there to open an orphanage. Still in the initial planning stages. Don’t eat the salad in the restaurants there – it gets washed, but in THEIR water. I learned that last time I was there.

  5. 9 lynette January 26, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    i read through this, and laughed. and then i sat back and thought two things: one, how wonderful that you are content with your life and your man, and two, how wonderful that you raised a son who is setting forth on his own path with confidence and a deep value system.

    from the bottom of my heart, kudos. really.

    and just for the record, i can only come up with one. dwayne johnson. yum, yum. in aruba. at a fancy hotel on the ocean 🙂

    • 10 les January 26, 2010 at 7:46 pm

      Why thanks, Lynette. I actually did come up with two at first. One was Don Johnson–but only as Nash Bridges. Not as himself!

  6. 11 robinaltman January 26, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Chris is so cool. He’s such a great guy.

    I can understand the whole germophobic thing, but I do not share that particular phobia. I don’t care if Dennis Quaid poops on himself – I’m doing him.

  7. 13 Shane January 26, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    well i know where i get my monk genes from…at least some of them ha

    • 14 les January 26, 2010 at 11:56 pm

      haha. I thought about that. But i fall far short of your fanaticism, and I will probably never have a color-coordinated closet. 😀

  8. 15 Consuella Banana Hammock January 27, 2010 at 10:25 am

    ahhh les, you crack me up. great post. and i’m glad you have finally zeroed in on your issue. germs!

    its funny, hotels are like my second home and i never think twice about it. i mean i pull back the bedspread, who doesn’t? but other than that, i never give it a thought. but hubbie. whew. just like you.

    i think being germ aware is great as long as it doesn’t keep you locked up in a room with glasses of your own pee. (aviator reference) when you start doing that we are going to launch an intervention!

  9. 17 Tammy February 2, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    Only a truly great writer can take a story from fantasy sex list to a dirty hotel room…oh wait…that’s not a stretch is it? aahah


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